President Donald Trump will be the first president in over 30 years to skip out on the annual White House Correspondents Dinner, which takes place tomorrow night.
To make up for his absence, The Hollywood Reporter asked veteran sitcom writer and producer Danny Zucker to pen the speech he thinks Trump would have given if he did attend.
“What a crowd,” Trump would have raved in his opening, imagined Zucker. “The failing New York Times probably won’t report this, but many people are saying we’ve set a record for attendance this evening. Two million people (Hold for standing ovation).”
Trump thanks the crowd and says, “If I knew you guys were going to be so nice, I wouldn’t go to Mar-a-Lago every weekend. I’m kidding. I’ve actually taken fewer vacations than any president in history. That’s a fact you can look up on Breitbart, Inforwars and from your Southern uncles on Facebook.”
The text of the would-be speech continues:
“Melania couldn’t be here tonight because she’s already been in the same room with me this month and a deal’s a deal! I’m kidding. We’re very much in love. Thank you. It’s very physical and tender (Hold for the audience to say ‘awwww‘ for five minutes)
“Many people ask Melania why she is willing to spend millions of taxpayer dollars to stay in Trump Tower away from me, and she says (Do that great foreign accent I do) ,”Because it is worth it!” Thank you. I do terrific impressions. Just ask that disabled reporter. Is he here tonight? Stand up. (Everyone cheers as he stands, and I cross to hug him.) (Note to Jared: If you’re not too busy skiing, try to get that guy to come. Check if he can stand up.)”
“I love Melania. So beautiful. My favorite immigrant. I’ll tell you what: If all immigrants looked like her I wouldn’t build a wall, I’d build a conveyer belt! Bill O’Reilly knows what I’m talking about! Don’t you, Bill? CUT TO PRETAPED PACKAGE: Where Bill and me go to Hooters and promise waitresses jobs if they ‘play ball.'”
“Wasn’t that clever? Great girls. Terrific. Thank you.”
Trump then goes into his big finish:
“I’ll end by poking some good fun at my friends in the press. You are some of the worst people on the planet. You’re a bunch of fake news-spewing filthy liars. You take things I promised I’d do in the first hundred days, like repeal and replace Obamacare, middle-class tax cuts, etc., and then when I don’t do those things — because they’re super hard by the way, and I only work a four-day week — you hold them against me. You’re monsters. You’re worse than ISIS. Sean Spicer says you’re worse than Hitler. Kill yourselves.”
“Thank you, and God bless America. (Hold for applause, fire the confetti cannons. Cue that Three Doors Down song I don’t know as Scott Baio takes the podium.)”
Zucker is an Executive Producer on ABC’s hit comedy, “Modern Family.” He has written and produced other shows including “Just Shoot Me” and “Grace Under Fire.”
If it isn’t obvious, Zucker is not a big Trump fan. In fact, they have some history. Back in 2013, when Trump was the star and producer of “The Apprentice,” and “Celebrity Apprentice,” they got into a bit of a Twitter spat.
Zucker first got Trump’s attention when he mocked the ratings of “Celebrity Apprentice,” which at the time were on a downward spiral.
That set-off their feud which over time covered a range of topics including Chinese labor, Obamacare, and even Sarah Palin.
Trump once tweeted that he would be appearing on Fox and Friends to promote “Celebrity Apprentice,” to which Zucker replied: “Talk about how you finished in 3rd place behind a Family Guy rerun.”
Trump responded: “I have never heard of you and was told you are a loser – after reading your credits I have no questions about it!”
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) April 29, 2013
We know Trump loves picking fights with everyone from the press to Democrats to other C-list celebrities who cross him, but this may be the last time he picks a fight with a comedy writer.