Now Reading
Dark humor for dark times: 5 possible future headlines from month six of the coronavirus pandemic

Dark humor for dark times: 5 possible future headlines from month six of the coronavirus pandemic

With everyday life completely upended around the world due to the coronavirus quarantines, speculation about how life will change in the months ahead brings previously unimaginable possibilities to mind, particularly with so much now idle time to ruminate about how our society may change and mutate in response to the new realities of practically perpetual shut-ins.

Here are a few headlines that we wouldn’t be surprised to see splashed across the screens of your devices after months of social isolation, economic devastation, and shortages of essential goods.

Divorce Rate Skyrockets After Couples Forced To Spend Months On End Cooped Up Together

It was so much easier to ignore your spouse’s annoying habits when you didn’t have to spend every damn minute with them.

Florida Man Charged With Murder, Cannibalism After Killing and Grilling Next Door Neighbor Amidst Widespread Food Shortages

“He was a jerk, but he kept my family fed for a week,” the deranged killer said of his overweight neighbor.

New York City Cops Kill Man Selling Illegal “Loosie” Sheets Of Toilet Paper

Police were forced to shoot the street vendor after fears of contagion prevented them from getting close enough for a chokehold.

Billionaire Trades Van Gough For Case Of Hand Sanitizer

“Right now, the Purell is a lot more valuable than anything I have in my collection,” said the noted collector of 19-century masterpieces.

Trump Claims His Handling Of Record Death Toll From Pandemic Was Perfect

“No other president has had numbers like these before!” the president bragged in an early morning tweet.

Former Wall Street Exec Seeks Farm Labor Job as Opportunities Disappear

A former top trader at Goldman Sachs was among the thousands of applicants for a single opening at a strawberry farm in California’s Central Valley, but was deemed unqualified after failing the fitness test.

Let’s hope that everyone out there is following the recommendations of health authorities and staying at home to help prevent the further spread of the COVID-19 virus. Wash your hands after reading this and then submit your own predictions for possible headlines we may be reading if the restrictions on leaving at home remain in place through the end of the summer.

Follow Vinnie Longobardo on Twitter.

© 2019 Occupy Democrats. All Rights Reserved.

Scroll To Top