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TOP TEN: The LOONIEST Republican candidates — 2022 edition
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Occupy Democrats
April 19, 2024

TOP TEN: The LOONIEST Republican candidates — 2022 edition

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October 18, 2022
TOP TEN: The LOONIEST Republican candidates — 2022 edition

While always a shit show, the Trump-controlled Republican Party has delivered an especially high number of national candidates this election season who make you want to blanch, throw water in your face, and grab the pets and kids and run for cover.

The ranking below is based primarily on three criteria, in rising order of importance: first, stupidity (plenty of that); second, deluded beliefs; third, obedience to Trump/threat to democracy. Plenty of winners here, from the possibly-pee-drinking to the possibly dog-shooting to the definitely docile and dumb. And while there’s guaranteed to be some debate about this, I think we can all agree that all of these shining turds are worthwhile examples of GOP degeneracy.

10. J.D. Vance, candidate for Senate, Ohio

Vance brings to mine the line Theodore Roosevelt once (rather unfairly) said about William McKinley: “He has no more backbone than a chocolate éclair.”

Trump went to Ohio to supposedly help Vance, but couldn’t help telling the crowd that Vance “is kissing my ass, he wants my support so much.” Vance responded by telling Trump to take his support and shove it – he didn’t need it and will go his own way without the demagogue. I’m kidding, of course – he continued to kiss Trump’s ass.

9. Congressman Doug LaMalfa of California

LaMalfa believes that human-caused climate change can’t be real because God made a deal with Noah. He’s also against same-sex marriage because it could “open the floodgates” to all sorts of things! Who knows – we could have men marrying pigs, right? He also voted against certifying the presidential election, wanting more “investigations,” even after January 6th.

https://twitter.com/Inbred_Ted/status/1580616509189070849?s=20&t=j0-O0cslx9WgjxtIntHjug

8. Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin

Johnson has stated that he doesn’t believe it’s “society’s responsibility to take care of other people’s children.” He also declared that he didn’t feel threatened on January 6th because the protesters weren’t BLM or Antifa people. Had they been, he said, he “would’ve been a little concerned.” Guess he wasn’t concerned for the Capitol police, including those who lost their lives.

7. Mehmet Oz, candidate for Senate, Pennsylvania

The Whizzer Named Oz, who may in fact drink his own pee (or has at least wondered about it), has gone from esteemed doctor to joke. This man essentially has no fiber, although he will probably try to sell you some fiber supplements. Oz, like his namesake from the L. Frank Baum novel, is the preeminent opportunist, as demonstrated by the fact that he doesn’t even live in the state he’s currently seeking a Senate seat in. He’s gone full-out Trump now, leaving Oprah long behind.

6. Herschel Walker, candidate for Senate, Georgia

Walker is such a walking train wreck that it’s actually hard to know where to begin. When he opens his mouth, you can expect a natural disaster to come out.

Perhaps, then, we can start with his “views” on climate change: “Since we don’t control the air, our good air decided to float over to China’s bad air so when China gets our good air, their bad air got to move. So it moves over to our good air space. Then now we got to clean that back up, while they’re messing ours up.” Right. Thank you, Herschel.

He’s also said that “science says” we came from apes (it doesn’t), and so he can’t understand why there are still apes. (It’s better if you watch him say it, as he delivers the line with childish glee – like Encyclopedia Brown cracking the case).

He’s also a compulsive liar, a complete hypocrite on abortion, and apparently thinks he’s a deputy in Dodge City or some such.

Like LBJ said about Ford, maybe Herschel spent too much time playing football without a helmet.

5. Kari Lake, candidate for Arizona governor

Not only can Ms. Lake not accept the 2020 election results, but she’s also stated that she may not accept the results of the gubernatorial election if she loses – another Trump proto-fascist. She supports Arizona’s complete ban on abortion, no matter the circumstances. And she contends that millions of people with guns keep America safe from overreaching liberals (like me). Another anti-vaxxer, of course. It’s just too bad there’s no vaccine for stupid, anyhow.

4. Congresswoman Lauren Boebert of Colorado

This moron actually operated a gun-themed restaurant where waiters and waitresses wore guns while serving people breakfast – because who wouldn’t want to bring their kids there? She even posed with her kids holding guns for a holiday card image. (You can’t make this shit up.) And now there’s an accusation that Boebert may have shot her neighbor’s dog.

She was against certifying the election, is against vaccines and is basically against anything resembling an intelligent deduction. She also once called Representative Ilhan Omar a terrorist. Not the kind Boebert was alerting to Nancy Pelosi’s whereabouts on January 6th – the white kind that she likes – but the brown kind that Boebert fears.

3. Doug Mastriano, candidate for governor of Pennsylvania

“Islam wants to kill gay rights, Judaism, Christianity and pacifism,” Mastriano once posted on Facebook. He’s against masks and vaccines and in favor of unproven treatments like hydroxychloroquine. He calls his followers an “army” and has been a key QAnon conspiracy theorist promoter and election denier. And, for a bonus, he has deep connections to the alt-right.

2. Blake Masters, candidate for Senate, Arizona

This scary idiot may be even more MAGA than Trump. Not only does he proudly support guns and, frankly, some degree of gun violence, it seems, but he also proudly declares on the very first page of his website that “The ruling class has given up on America. They have given up on you. It’s because the Left believes that our country is fundamentally and irredeemably evil. That’s why they denounce it and loot it. They want America to be unrecognizable. They want to destroy who we are.” This is not only deluded but dangerous. Unshockingly, Masters also subscribes to the “great replacement theory” and wants to greatly reduce immigration. He’s batting a thousand on the Asshole Scale.

1. Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia

Ok, let’s face it: you knew who number #1 was going to be. Marjorie Taylor Greene surely hits the trifecta: incredibly stupid, completely deluded, and extraordinarily dangerous. Like Delta Dawn heading down to the train station, she’s still ranting about how she has “the evidence” of election fraud and refuses to acknowledge that Joe Biden is the rightful president. But that’s not all, folks! She’s also, amazingly enough, claimed to be a victim of the Capitol attack that she helped instigate (really – see here), claimed that there is an “Islamist invasion” into our government, called Nancy Pelosi a “bitch,” and said (in 2018) that the Jewish Rothschild banking family might be causing California’s wildfires. And she likes to kick people, of course. She’s anti-science, anti-vaxx, and pro-QAnon. Need we say more?

Sadly, this list could easily have been a top 25 or even a top 100 countdown. There are simply that many seriously deranged Republicans running for office this year.

Let’s make sure to get out and vote and see if we can reduce the number of certifiably insane candidates in the next round of elections.

Ross Rosenfeld is a writer from New York whose work has appeared in many publications, and who is proud to be hated by Rudy Giuliani and just as proud to be part of the Occupy team. Follow him on Twitter @RossRosenfeld.

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April 19, 2024
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