TOP TEN: The LOONIEST Republican candidates — 2022 edition
While always a shit show, the Trump-controlled Republican Party has delivered an especially high number of national candidates this election season who make you want to blanch, throw water in your face, and grab the pets and kids and run for cover.
The ranking below is based primarily on three criteria, in rising order of importance: first, stupidity (plenty of that); second, deluded beliefs; third, obedience to Trump/threat to democracy. Plenty of winners here, from the possibly-pee-drinking to the possibly dog-shooting to the definitely docile and dumb. And while there’s guaranteed to be some debate about this, I think we can all agree that all of these shining turds are worthwhile examples of GOP degeneracy.
10. J.D. Vance, candidate for Senate, Ohio
Vance brings to mine the line Theodore Roosevelt once (rather unfairly) said about William McKinley: “He has no more backbone than a chocolate éclair.”
Trump went to Ohio to supposedly help Vance, but couldn’t help telling the crowd that Vance “is kissing my ass, he wants my support so much.” Vance responded by telling Trump to take his support and shove it – he didn’t need it and will go his own way without the demagogue. I’m kidding, of course – he continued to kiss Trump’s ass.
JD Vance just tried to refute the idea that he's a Donald Trump ass kisser by… kissing Donald Trump's ass some more.
— Brian Tyler Cohen (@briantylercohen) October 17, 2022
9. Congressman Doug LaMalfa of California
LaMalfa believes that human-caused climate change can’t be real because God made a deal with Noah. He’s also against same-sex marriage because it could “open the floodgates” to all sorts of things! Who knows – we could have men marrying pigs, right? He also voted against certifying the presidential election, wanting more “investigations,” even after January 6th.
8. Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin
Johnson has stated that he doesn’t believe it’s “society’s responsibility to take care of other people’s children.” He also declared that he didn’t feel threatened on January 6th because the protesters weren’t BLM or Antifa people. Had they been, he said, he “would’ve been a little concerned.” Guess he wasn’t concerned for the Capitol police, including those who lost their lives.
Ron Johnson flips his middle finger at law enforcement every single time he supports or plays down the January 6 insurrection. https://t.co/kfzpL938Ua
— Mark Ruffalo (@MarkRuffalo) October 10, 2022
7. Mehmet Oz, candidate for Senate, Pennsylvania
The Whizzer Named Oz, who may in fact drink his own pee (or has at least wondered about it), has gone from esteemed doctor to joke. This man essentially has no fiber, although he will probably try to sell you some fiber supplements. Oz, like his namesake from the L. Frank Baum novel, is the preeminent opportunist, as demonstrated by the fact that he doesn’t even live in the state he’s currently seeking a Senate seat in. He’s gone full-out Trump now, leaving Oprah long behind.
Since launching his campaign, we’ve learned that Dr. Oz:
-hasn’t lived in PA for years
-shops for crudités at “Wegners”
-mocked a stroke victim’s health
-thinks we should pay $90 for meat
-murdered 300+ puppies/rabbits/rodents
-has tasted his own urine multiple times
— Sawyer Hackett (@SawyerHackett) October 15, 2022
6. Herschel Walker, candidate for Senate, Georgia
Walker is such a walking train wreck that it’s actually hard to know where to begin. When he opens his mouth, you can expect a natural disaster to come out.
Perhaps, then, we can start with his “views” on climate change: “Since we don’t control the air, our good air decided to float over to China’s bad air so when China gets our good air, their bad air got to move. So it moves over to our good air space. Then now we got to clean that back up, while they’re messing ours up.” Right. Thank you, Herschel.
He’s also said that “science says” we came from apes (it doesn’t), and so he can’t understand why there are still apes. (It’s better if you watch him say it, as he delivers the line with childish glee – like Encyclopedia Brown cracking the case).
He’s also a compulsive liar, a complete hypocrite on abortion, and apparently thinks he’s a deputy in Dodge City or some such.
Like LBJ said about Ford, maybe Herschel spent too much time playing football without a helmet.
Somewhere out there a kid got a police costume for Halloween that’s missing a badge.
— Dan Rather (@DanRather) October 15, 2022
5. Kari Lake, candidate for Arizona governor
Not only can Ms. Lake not accept the 2020 election results, but she’s also stated that she may not accept the results of the gubernatorial election if she loses – another Trump proto-fascist. She supports Arizona’s complete ban on abortion, no matter the circumstances. And she contends that millions of people with guns keep America safe from overreaching liberals (like me). Another anti-vaxxer, of course. It’s just too bad there’s no vaccine for stupid, anyhow.
In a Sunday interview on CNN, Arizona Republican nominee for governor Kari Lake refused to say she would accept the results of the upcoming election — unless she wins. Playing that lethal anti-democracy Trump card should disqualify whoever stoops that low from public office.
— Laurence Tribe (@tribelaw) October 17, 2022
4. Congresswoman Lauren Boebert of Colorado
This moron actually operated a gun-themed restaurant where waiters and waitresses wore guns while serving people breakfast – because who wouldn’t want to bring their kids there? She even posed with her kids holding guns for a holiday card image. (You can’t make this shit up.) And now there’s an accusation that Boebert may have shot her neighbor’s dog.
She was against certifying the election, is against vaccines and is basically against anything resembling an intelligent deduction. She also once called Representative Ilhan Omar a terrorist. Not the kind Boebert was alerting to Nancy Pelosi’s whereabouts on January 6th – the white kind that she likes – but the brown kind that Boebert fears.
Wow… what a weekend!!
Trump shared classified docs with guests at Mar-a-Lago?
Lauren Boebert shot her neighbors dog?
Herschel Walker impersonates a police officer.
Marjorie Taylor Greene says her “husband has proof” Biden stole the election.
I present to you… the 2022 GOP.
— Billy Baldwin (@BillyBaldwin) October 17, 2022
3. Doug Mastriano, candidate for governor of Pennsylvania
“Islam wants to kill gay rights, Judaism, Christianity and pacifism,” Mastriano once posted on Facebook. He’s against masks and vaccines and in favor of unproven treatments like hydroxychloroquine. He calls his followers an “army” and has been a key QAnon conspiracy theorist promoter and election denier. And, for a bonus, he has deep connections to the alt-right.
Doug Mastriano — yet again — posed for a photo with the sister of Sam Lazar, a Capitol rioter (and huge Doug Mastriano fan) who is being held pre-trial because he assaulted officers with a chemical weapon on Jan. 6. pic.twitter.com/ZZLUF8knjW
— Ryan J. Reilly (@ryanjreilly) October 18, 2022
2. Blake Masters, candidate for Senate, Arizona
This scary idiot may be even more MAGA than Trump. Not only does he proudly support guns and, frankly, some degree of gun violence, it seems, but he also proudly declares on the very first page of his website that “The ruling class has given up on America. They have given up on you. It’s because the Left believes that our country is fundamentally and irredeemably evil. That’s why they denounce it and loot it. They want America to be unrecognizable. They want to destroy who we are.” This is not only deluded but dangerous. Unshockingly, Masters also subscribes to the “great replacement theory” and wants to greatly reduce immigration. He’s batting a thousand on the Asshole Scale.
Arizona Senate candidate Blake Masters said if elected he will only vote for judges who commit to overturning the 1965 Griswold v. Connecticut decision which ended laws that banned birth control.
That case helped establish the basic right to privacy.
— No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen (@NoLieWithBTC) October 10, 2022
1. Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia
Ok, let’s face it: you knew who number #1 was going to be. Marjorie Taylor Greene surely hits the trifecta: incredibly stupid, completely deluded, and extraordinarily dangerous. Like Delta Dawn heading down to the train station, she’s still ranting about how she has “the evidence” of election fraud and refuses to acknowledge that Joe Biden is the rightful president. But that’s not all, folks! She’s also, amazingly enough, claimed to be a victim of the Capitol attack that she helped instigate (really – see here), claimed that there is an “Islamist invasion” into our government, called Nancy Pelosi a “bitch,” and said (in 2018) that the Jewish Rothschild banking family might be causing California’s wildfires. And she likes to kick people, of course. She’s anti-science, anti-vaxx, and pro-QAnon. Need we say more?
Dear Marjorie Taylor Greene,
If your husband has evidence of voter fraud, it should have been in the hands of the courts 2 years ago. It wasn't, because he doesn't.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) October 16, 2022
Sadly, this list could easily have been a top 25 or even a top 100 countdown. There are simply that many seriously deranged Republicans running for office this year.
Let’s make sure to get out and vote and see if we can reduce the number of certifiably insane candidates in the next round of elections.
Ross Rosenfeld is a writer from New York whose work has appeared in many publications, and who is proud to be hated by Rudy Giuliani and just as proud to be part of the Occupy team. Follow him on Twitter @RossRosenfeld.
that supports ONLY good Democratic candidates
Please consider supporting the fund. Thank you!