GOOD GOVERNING: The Goofus and Gallant Guide to spotting our best & worst Governors
I’m old enough to remember Highlights, one of the first magazines targeted at Gen X kids (along with Dynamite) which picked up the life lessons where “Free to Be, You and Me” left off.
One of the most enduring features in Highlights was “Goofus and Gallant,” a fairly unsparing guide to how children should behave. Goofus was an ill-mannered oaf who does everything wrong, Gallant is the dream son who says all the right things and makes all the correct life choices.
Example:
Holla at my fellow Gen X’ers! Is anyone else having pediatrician waiting room flashbacks?
Anyway…you get the gist. Now let’s apply these basic guidelines to some of our current/outgoing state Governors. You might see a similar pattern developing.
In Oregon, outgoing Gallant Democratic Governor Kate Brown of Oregon — who was also the first openly bisexual person elected to the role when she won in 2016 — just commuted the sentences of all 17 of the state’s Death Row inmates.
“I have long believed that justice is not advanced by taking a life, and the state should not be in the business of executing people — even if a terrible crime placed them in prison. This is a value that many Oregonians share,” Governor Brown said in a statement released by her office on Tuesday.
Florida Governor Ron “Goofus” DeSantis is pushing for better and faster ways to implement the death penalty in his state, because Florida can’t kill everybody who lives there fast enough for “DeathSantis,” you know.
And Alabama Goofus Governor Kay Ivey would like the state’s death penalty to be carried out just a little more effectively so that they don’t have any more ghastly “Green Mile”-type moments.
Democratic Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer Gallantly persevered after a plot to kidnap her was exposed.
Gov. Whitmer has moved on past that traumatic experience to focus on doing her job, something her Republican counterparts seem to forget about.
Most recently, Gov. Whitmer signed a bill to expand funding for low-income housing in Michigan.
Outgoing Arizona Republican Governor Doug “Douchey” Ducey is a Goofus who stacked storage containers for a couple of miles along the border to keep brown people from seeking asylum in America.
I feel like you’ve got the pattern here with Republican versus Democratic governors, kids.
Now let’s give my Governor a nice sendoff, shall we?
Tara Dublin is a woefully underappreciated and unrepresented writer currently shopping a super cool novel that has nothing to do with politics while also fighting fascism on the daily. She tries her best to be a Gallant, unlike GOP governors.
Follow her on Twitter @taradublinrocks.
Editor’s note: This is an opinion column that solely reflects the opinions of the author.
