PHONE-A-FIEND: Trump staffer asks allies to call Donny to “boost his spirits”
Aw, Lil Donny haz a sad.
According to a new piece in The Washington Post, Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago lifestyle is one of near-isolation, save for a few remaining staffers.
The Post reports that there is no senior aide living in Florida full-time, with advisers flying in and out as needed.
That means there’s no one telling Trump that his ideas are terrible. You know, like inviting Holocaust deniers to dinner.
With looming criminal referrals coming from the January 6th House Select Committee, among his other myriad legal troubles, it’s no wonder Mayor McCheese’s social calendar is completely blank.
Now there are only a handful of Yes People to pamper King Baby and make him feel like he’s still in the White House.
Walt Nauta, the “Diet Coke Valet,” is still around to act as an all-around gofer — even if he’s been a key witness for the DOJ’s investigation into those classified documents Trump took home as souvenirs from his four-year squat in DC.
Former OAN host Natalie Harp made a lateral move from lying online to full-time Trump employee, where she’s said to be his only companion on his daily golf outings, “riding the course in a golf cart equipped with a laptop and sometimes a printer to show him uplifting news articles, online posts or other materials.”
As sad and pathetic as that is, at least Harp isn’t going through Trump’s phone contacts to see who’s still speaking to him and might hop on the phone for a quick pick-me-up to “boost his spirits with positive affirmations.”
No, that’s Molly Michael, who served as Trump’s assistant in the White House and clearly has boundary issues.
Molly has literally been ringing up Trump allies to beg them to call him.
“There’s nothing going on, she has told them,” The Washington Post spills, “adding that his friends know how restless he gets when nothing is going on, according to people who have heard her appeal.”
Can you imagine the “positive affirmations” Trump might be getting?
The mind reels at what they might sound like:
TED CRUZ: “Well hey there…uh, buddy…um, just wanna tell you I’ve still got plenty of Lone Star love for ya…I’ve got some family stuff going on right now (under his breath) not that you care…but HEY, it’s the holidays and I just know things’ll be better for all of us in ’23!”
JIM JORDAN (never taking one single breath): “Oh ah hey there ah Mr ah President ahhh…just calling to tell you I’m your number one fan and that I’ll always be your number one fan and I don’t care what they say about us anyway, I don’t care about that, and I hope you got my handmade Christmas card and I’ll be there in a week to scrub your taint and I thought you said I was alright Spider–” beeeeeep.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: “Hey Daddy! Sorry I missed you, but I’m standing in the longest line here at CVS. I got the last butt plug in stock, how did we even get here? Anyways, I’m not sure which of my Nazi boyfriends is coming on me–I mean, WITH me–to your New Year’s Day brunch buffet, but I’ll let you know. GODDAMN THIS LINE! If Steve Bannon was here with his gun, I’d have been out of here already.”
STEVE BANNON: “(long burp) Oh did it beep already? Sorry, I’ve been on a three-year bender and haven’t slept since Obama’s second term. Man, I don’t even know what fuckin month this is. Did we do January 6th yet? Who am I calling, again? And where did I leave my pants? Oh wait, I’m still on the phone. Stay positive, buddy! And Happy 4th of July! It’s July, right?”
KARI LAKE: *sings all of “I Just Called to Say I Love You” by Stevie Wonder, then does an invocation to make both of them live forever*
Better yet, perhaps if we all called the Mar-a-Lago switchboard to let Donny know exactly what we think his most salient qualities are, his spirits will be so uplifted that his head will explode — or at least none of his club members will be able to make dinner reservations.
It’s understandable as to why Trump might be feeling a bit down, what with the seasonal affective disorder and the looming indictments and all.
Perhaps if he had guaranteed free housing for the rest of his life in a federally-run facility, he’ll feel better.
I’m sure that Jack Smith is already working on it. Wouldn’t it be great if Trump got that as an early holiday gift? For the rest of us at least?
Tara Dublin is a woefully underappreciated and unrepresented writer currently shopping a super cool novel that has nothing to do with politics while also fighting fascism on the daily.
Follow her on Twitter @taradublinrocks.
Editor’s note: This is an opinion column that solely reflects the opinions of the author.
