IDIOT INTENTIONS: The GQP’s New Year’s resolutions [a parody]
![IDIOT INTENTIONS: The GQP's New Year's resolutions [a parody]](https://occupydemocrats.com/wp-content/uploads/father-time-gop.jpg)
The final week of 2022 is here, and New Year’s Eve is almost upon us, HUZZAH!
Anyone who survived this 12-month-long shitshow deserves to come back in their next life as a rich British lady’s pampered cat named Mrs. Flooffington or something, and the most difficult part of your daily existence would be choosing which satin pillow to sleep on next.
But while we’re all still around and sharing the planet with some of history’s worst people in Congress, and because it’s the most useless week of the year (seriously, everyone should get a holiday bonus to cover what a week of work would be and just take the time off until the first Monday workday of January), herewith are some resolutions made at Mar-a-Lago’s Not-At-All-Rockin’ New Year’s Eve party.
DONALD TRUMP: I don’t need to make any resolutions, I am the most perfect flawless innocent and transparent person alive.
MELANIA TRUMP: I make funny rhyme for revolution–I mean, resolution: “Re-up Da Pre-nup!”
IVANKA TRUMP: Melania stole mine, just like she plagiarized Michelle Obama, so I guess I’ll just say that I’ll be nicer to Karlie Kloss so maybe she’ll finally do that Husband Swap I’ve been trying to set up for years.
RON DESANTIS: I resolve to top Greg Abbott’s migrant busing on Christmas Eve. I don’t know how just yet, but this is Florida, so just give me a few more days.
LINDSEY GRAHAM: I resolve to live a much cleaner life, starting with the prison showers.
RUDY GIULIANI: I resolve to get to the bottom of the 2020 election fraud against King President Trump, along with getting to the bottom of a bottle of vodka every day.
JIM JORDAN: Get a jacket and learn how to speak more slowly without sounding like a speed freak extra from Goodfellas while massaging Trump’s taint on the regular heh heh heh just kidding I don’t have any self-awareness to make resolutions.
MARJORIE TAYLOR NO-LONGER GREENE: My New Year’s resolution is to enjoy being the only divorcee in the House, which means I’ll be hosting all of the cocaine orgies at my new single gal’s trash palace just as soon as they finish installing the revolving door on my bedroom.
LAUREN BOEBERT: I resolve to find even more outfits that make me look like a teenage girl now that I’m hanging out with Matt Gaetz.
MATT GAETZ: I resolve to never shave my beard.*
*this means his wife
Luckily, all of these Republican miscreants will find fulfilling these resolutions considerably easier than honoring their campaign promises.
Tara Dublin is a woefully underappreciated and unrepresented writer currently shopping a super cool novel that has nothing to do with politics while also fighting fascism on the daily.
Follow her on Twitter @taradublinrocks.
Editor’s note: This is an opinion column that solely reflects the opinions of the author.
